People who often say, “I do this, I do that,” are people who have never been loved, no one really cared about them and they don’t even know exactly what they want.
They ask for the wrong things but, what the soul wants, they are unable to ask, and what they ask for is not what it really needs in the relationship with another person.
While we talk to another, it is often not the comparison with the other that we seek but we try to realize ourselves through the other. So the other becomes only an instrument in our hands, but in this case, the words that two lovers exchange cannot be words of love. The true love relationship is not based on the word “I’m,” but on the instability and lightness, not on the stability and rigidity of the ego.
In affairs of love, construction and destruction take place together, in the true affective relationship the partial crumbling of the boundaries of the ego takes place, in the true relationship of love there is simultaneously exaltation and destructuring of the ego and therefore there is wealth and desolation.
Love is an opening to the symbolic that alludes to something else, which opens to another idyll. Love expresses a psychic reality that is beyond the factual and rational reality of the ego, therefore, love challenges every mechanism and every technique, to cross over into the unclassifiable, saving the individual from conventions, fashions and so on. Because the relationship is a crossing that leads to a new vision of oneself, and here the will matters little. Instead, letting go, letting oneself be possessed, believing the self in the mystery, what matters is abandoning oneself to the self, the charm and beauty, therefore the symbolic, count a lot .
When the ego in its dominant role steps aside, then the relationship with the other can happen and the ego becomes something different from what it was before the relationship, revealing a part of itself that it never imagined it was. Here the ego changes and stops embodying the exasperated cult of its own subjectivity, “I am this, I am that”, entering into a relationship, the ego stops celebrating itself and becomes lateral to make room and welcome the stranger that the other.
The true relationship wants a breaking of the narcissistic shell and therefore, the exposure of its contents which were previously protected and closed in the shell and which are now offered to a stranger.
Intimacy opens up and speaks, shows itself, interacts, lets itself be influenced and contaminated. What was previously intimate becomes shared.
In the relationship the person puts his own loneliness into play and offers it to another, with all the risks that follow from exposing his wounds. Traumas, which were previously closed in the narcissistic shell, are now shared through words. When the words begin to tell these traumas, they drag the subject beyond his own identity and at the same time the subject allows himself to this drag giving the other the possibility to free him from the text of the trauma. This is very similar to the psychotherapy of love that Freud wanted, the suffering subject does not know what to do with the trauma and thanks to an emotional relationship, the trauma becomes an open door to the inner planet, therefore the trauma becomes precious, since it is a wound that it opens the symbolic and shows what lies beyond the real.
Love is also an opening to the symbolic, so it can heal any wound and can take care of everything. However, in order for the wound to become a center of new energy, the ego must surrender itself to an affective process that it cannot control and cannot even manage. It is said that love is a subversive process in that the order of the ego is perceived, it upsets the stability and identity of the ego because it upsets it, clears it of customs, expropriates it from its property by expanding its borders. This generates fear, but the ego must overcome this fear caused by the undifferentiated, the fear of being shipwrecked but, only if we are willing to be shipwrecked, will we discover new lands.
Basically, love is when two people talk to each other and a relationship is created. The purpose of a good relationship is to create a sense of openness, therefore of a symbolic nature. This experience allows the being to reach a deep knowledge of himself and of his own psychic mechanisms. This results in a change in ‘attitude that leads to’ action. The development of the personality therefore means an act of assuming our responsibility in creating a relationship with the other, after all what is necrosis if not an inadequate response to a very important task, that of going beyond ourselves, overcoming those we believe we are, in view of a new person, richer and more creative.